There is a theory, and not a very good one, that the name James Bond is a nom de guerre that comes with the 007 job, thus explaining all the different incarnations over the years. This theory is typical fanboy fodder – we just love to tie up all the loose ends – and it even seeped up to the film makers themselves, with DIE ANOTHER DAY director Lee Tamahouri wanting to include a scene where a retired Connery Bond passed on advice to the then-active Brosnan’s Bond. This would have been fascinating and no doubt a lot more watchable than the godawful CGI parasailing sequence that somehow found its way into the film.
But if this theory is true*, then what happened to all the other Bonds over the years?
The first incarnation of Bond died of emphysema and cirrhosis of the liver aged 44.
The second incarnation retired in anger after nearly dying when a British Navy sub sub capsized his lifeboat…
After some years advising the Chicago Police Department (“He pullsh a knife, you pull a gun…”) he’s now happily residing in the Darby O’Gill home for the elderly.
After the tragic murder of his wife, the third incarnation…
… suffered from a severe lack of self-confidence, and on his second mission had reconstructive surgery to look like his predecessor. But whatever he tried, he could never quite get the hair right…
He later died in a foolhardy attempt to retrieve diamonds from an orbiting satellite.
The fourth incarnation enjoyed a long and successful career…
… but was tracked down and beaten to death by this man…
… who was set free by a sympathetic jury once his defence lawyer successfully proved he had suffered years of mental anguish at the hands of the deceased. A Venetian pigeon was a key witness.
The fifth incarnation caused a scandal when he turned down an offer from M to rejoin MI6. He eventually moved to Sandford in Somerset where he became the manager of a branch of Somerfield.
The sixth incarnation was last seen driving an invisible car off a cliff after seeing the film Mamma Mia.
Though there are reports that he’s been seen as a gun for hire in Ireland…
Of course, these are just theories. Feel free to add your own.
*And it doesn’t stand up to much scrutiny: Connery, Moore and Brosnan all make reference to the death of Diana Rigg’s Contessa at some point… THEY’RE ONLY FILMS, PEOPLE!
Mark Stay Writes 